Divorce - How to support a child with Autism

Divorce - How to Support A Child With Autism

Having supported many clients through the divorce process, we have seen at first-hand that divorce and dissolution can be extremely difficult for any child, but this can be especially so for those with autism. Thankfully, with an understanding of parental strategies for helping a child with autism through separation, their ability to cope can be increased. Given that around one in every 100 people in the UK has a diagnosis of autism, many parents have been through this exact situation and through the benefit of their experience, it is possible to see what is effective and what may cause more harm.

How to explain separation to a child with autism

According to Shelly McLaughlin of US charity, Pathfinders for Autism, it is important to prepare how you will explain your separation to your child. She recommends waiting until you have made initial arrangements with your ex-partner before telling them. That way, you can explain where they will be living and when they will see each parent. It is important to recognise that telling your child of your separation will be unpleasant for both of you, hence it is advisable to practice so you can tell them in a calm, clear and confident way. If possible, it is recommended that you both tell your child at the same time. This will ensure that they receive the information once in a way that does not conflict and cause later confusion. Ms McLaughlin also recommends:

• Not providing too much information, such as the reason for the separation – what they want to know is that they will be safe, and there are arrangements in place for each aspect of their life.

• Reassuring them that even though you and your ex-partner will both be living separately, you will continue to be their loving parents.

• Not blaming your partner for the divorce

• Making sure what you tell your child is appropriate for their age

• Allowing them to react

• Answering their questions openly and honestly

• Giving them time to process what they have heard

• Reassuring them that you cannot divorce your children

Consider using social stories to help explain the situation – Shelly provides links to two downloadable social stories you can use; What Happens When My Parents Divorce from Able 2 Learn and Boardmaker Social Story – My Family.

How to put in place arrangements for a child with autism

When making arrangements for your child’s care, it is preferable to keep to their current daily schedule as much as possible. This may mean, where possible, ensuring they stay where they are currently living, going to the same school, and allowing them to see both parents on a daily basis. If the situation permits, seeking joint custody arrangements can be highly beneficial for children with autism as this will allow them to have equal time with both parents. This also means that both parents can take equal responsibility for raising their child and, as a result, not place excessive stress and demand on the other parent.

Any child arrangement plan should consider your child’s need for a regular routine while balancing this with your needs and those of your ex-partner. Providing your child with a familiar routine following your separation will allow them to adjust to the changes.

Do I need a Child Arrangement Order?

Where possible, it is always preferable to mutually and respectfully reach an agreement with your ex-partner regarding the arrangements for your child. This is especially important if the child has a diagnosis of autism, as having cooperative and cordial parents will allow them to cope better. If it is not possible to reach an agreement with your ex-partner, the next step is to engage a specialist in family and divorce law who can guide you through the process of mediation or collaborative law. Alternative dispute resolution (ADR) methods are extremely effective in helping parents to reach an agreement on child and financial matters, no matter how complex, in a non-confrontational manner. If this is not possible, you can then apply for a Child Arrangement Order (CAO) under section 8 of the Children Act 1989. This is a legally binding order approved by the courts and contains the living, contact and financial arrangements for the child.

Final words

You are not alone. There is a vast amount of online resources to help separating parents who have a child with autism. By taking your time, reaching an arrangement with your partner, providing reassurance to your child, and keeping their daily routine as consistent as possible, your child will be able to adjust to their new family setup. A specialist in family law can advise you on the legal aspects of your separation, including putting in place child arrangements.

If you have any questions regarding this article, please call us on 0300 3732424.