How To Divorce A Narcissist
How To Divorce A Narcissist
Introduction
Many of us believe that narcissism is increasing, especially among young people, thanks to social media. And there is some evidence that this may be true. But regardless of what the statistics say, as a Divorce Law Solicitor, I often come across cases where my client’s spouse displays certain narcissistic traits and makes the entire divorce process incredibly frustrating, stressful, and sometimes frightening.
From my experience, divorcing a narcissist requires careful planning, a level of secrecy (especially at the beginning of the process), and a lot of support for the victim. And make no mistake, if you are married to a narcissist, you are a victim and may well be suffering from anxiety, depression, and/or low-self-esteem after years of being manipulated, gaslighted, and subjected to your spouse’s narcissistic rage.
In a study which examined the experiences of 27 women aged between 24 and 54 in narcissistic relationships most respondents reported that their ex-partners were “selfish, self-centred, manipulative, self-important, abusive, lacked empathy, and believed that they were envied for being unique and special”. In addition, the women described the narcissist in their lives as “highly critical, great actors, attention-seekers, demons, vampires, dominants, infallible, liars, exploitative, noncommittal, neglectful, aggressive, cheaters, and duplicitous”.
As you can imagine, divorcing such a character is no simple feat. You need to plan carefully, move swiftly, and fully understand what a narcissist is so you can recognise any manipulative or controlling tactics used during the divorce process.
What is Narcissistic Personality Disorder?
NPD is a recognised mental illness. According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM), a guidebook used by mental health professionals, people with NPD have five or more of the below traits:
• A grandiose sense of self-importance
• Preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
• A belief that one is special and can only be understood by or associate with special people or institutions
• A need for excessive admiration
• A sense of entitlement (to special treatment)
• Exploitation of others
• A lack of empathy
• Envy of others or the belief that one is the object of envy
• Arrogant, haughty behaviour, or attitudes
In May 2021, Ohio State University academics Sophie Kjærvik and Brad Bushman published a review of 437 studies on narcissism which together included 123,043 participants. They stated that “People with high levels of narcissism think they are special people who deserve special treatment. They have an exaggerated and inflated sense of their own importance."
Are children negatively affected by a narcissistic parent?
Unfortunately, yes. Studies show that growing up with a narcissistic parent can be catastrophic for a child.
“Being raised by a narcissistic parent is emotionally and psychologically abusive and causes debilitating, long-lasting effects to children. It is often missed by professionals, because narcissists can be charming in their presentation, displaying an image of how they wish to be seen. Behind closed doors, the children feel the suffocation of self and struggle with loneliness and pain. The narcissist is not accountable for their own mistakes or behavior, so the child believes they are to blame and that they flunked childhood.”
Although a narcissist is focused on themselves, they may not hesitate to fight for your children to primarily reside with them in order to exert control or hurt you. Any attempt by you to protect your children from the narcissistic parent is likely to result in accusations of parental alienation.
How can I successfully divorce a narcissist?
After years of advising clients, below are my top tips for ending a marriage where your spouse is a narcissist.
1. Do not tell your spouse your plans until you have everything in order. Remember when Katie Holmes divorced Tom Cruise? Rumour has it that her father (a Solicitor) helped arrange things and she even used a burner phone so she could communicate with her legal team in private. Be prepared to do the same. Although you may feel guilty for blindsiding your spouse, you must do everything possible to protect you and your children’s safety and future. If your narcissistic spouse knows of your plans before you have the right support in place, they may become aggressive or try and manipulate you into giving your relationship another try. However, it is highly likely that nothing will change.
2. Instruct a strong, experienced Divorce Law Solicitor. You need a team around you who are focused on your best interests and have the knowledge required to see through any delay tactics and will not be intimidated by attempts by the narcissist to control the situation, hide assets, or use your children as weapons to hurt you.
3. Consider getting additional support for you and your children. It is likely that all of you will be suffering from low self-esteem, stress, and a sense of bewilderment at some of the treatment you have been subjected to. The assistance of a counsellor, educational psychologist, and other support services can help all of you recover and move forward to a positive future.
Legal protections and support for victims of narcissistic abuse
If you or your children are in danger, you must leave your relationship immediately. There are several legal protections you can use if you have or are suffering from abusive behaviour stemming from narcissism. The Domestic Abuse Act 2021 recognises the crime of controlling and coercive behaviour, which is often exhibited by narcissists, as a form of domestic abuse.
Your Family Law Solicitor can apply for a Non-Molestation Order and/or an Occupation Order to protect you and your children and allow you to live in the family home.
In conclusion
You do not have to face divorcing a narcissist alone. The fact you have made a decision to leave your relationship is incredibly brave. There is a wealth of help and support available to you. The first step is to talk to a Family Law Solicitor in confidence to work out the best strategy for moving forward.
Bibliography
Sources used to draft this article include:
